Introduction and Explanation

I’ve been working in magical world of publishing for almost seven years. In my time at Barnes & Noble, I was, at some point, in charge of nearly every section in the store, including juvenile & teen. While there, I steered as clear as I could from teen fiction, fearful of the disasters I might find. It wasn’t until I moved on to my next job doing data entry, that I saw some of the amazing teen books that were out there, waiting to be read. Most notably, though, is the world of teen vampire fiction. Never have there been more desperate lovesick females in one genre before! I couldn’t believe the amazing literature I was missing out on! So, in the month of March in the year 2009, I vowed to read as many of these novels as I could lay my hands on, which, thanks to my library, just might be all of them.

I decided the best way to rate these novels would be if I were to set up categories. After a few days worth of self deliberation, then with the help of a friend, I decided on what I believe to be appropriate categories. Here they are, with an explanation of classification. (Also, it should be noted that this is on a scale of 1-5.)

Vampire Lore
Never have I seen anything more bastardized in fiction than vampire lore. I’m all for creativity and putting twists on classic concepts, but there are certain things that should not be touched. Ever.

The notion that vampires are sexually driven beings has become more popular only in the past few years…according to Wikipedia, anyway. No doubt due to the emergence of sexual deviances in people’s real lives, what with biting at whatnot. (Thank you, early-2000s Angelina Jolie.) Anyway, vampire-on-human action is inevitable in just about every vampire novel, so it deserves its own category.

Vampires have fangs. They feast off the blood of others. The novels about them sure as hell had better have awesome vampire fights.

Entertainment Value
Almost every one of the books I review here will probably be unargueably awful. But, just because something is awful doesn’t mean it wasn’t entertaining. Sort of like William Shatner’s music career.

This is where I’ll just babble about the main protagonists in the story, whether I liked them or not, etc. Though, let’s face it, it will probably be a dude vampire and a chick human. Predictable genre is predictable!

Here is where I’ll become the elitist bitch I always wish to be, even though I have absolutely no right to do so. (It’s the internet, who cares about my writing credentials?!) More often than I’d like to admit, authors of teen novels (and this applies to all teen novels, not just the vampire ones) have issues…well, writing decent literature. (John Green and a few others are not included in that generalization.) Gaping plot holes, awkward sentence construction, incorrect verb tenses…stuff that an editor ought to pick up. (The editors probably don’t bother because they realize no matter what they do, the book will still be a god awful steaming pile of shit.)

Happy reading!


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