Posts Tagged ‘sex

14
Oct
10

Dead Until Dark (Southern Vampire Mysteries #1)

by Charlaine Harris

Plot Synopsis: Sookie Stackhouse is a weird telepathic barmaid/waitress who is inexperienced in sex and love.  Until she meets vampire Bill Compton, and they have sex ALL THE TIME.  Oh and someone’s killing people who have sex with vampires.  Sookie might be next!  NOOOOO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vampire Lore: 5
Haha, silver and garlic allergies.  Awesome.  Seriously though, spot on.

Love/Sex/Romance: 4
I think she must specify how inexperienced Sookie is in order to justify how much sex she has with Bill later on.  So yes, there was a lot, and they’re in love, but it was so much it was just absurd.  Also I don’t remember seeing sparkles or whatever the hell that was when I had sex for the first time.  She was clearly hallucinating.  So, since it was so prevalent, this would have gotten a 5, but it was too over the top.

Fights: 2
The only one I remember that actually involved vampires was when Bill kills the Rattays in the beginning of the novel.  And when Eric kills Long Shadow, but that’s hardly a fight.  Other than that, you hear about stuff, but you don’t see anything.  Except Sookie shanking that douchenozzle at the end.

Entertainment Value: 5
This novel is completely ridiculous and maybe a little trashy, but I can’t lie – I couldn’t put it down.  It’s not a work of literary genius, but if that’s what you want out of a vampire novel, go read Dave Eggers.  Who doesn’t write about vampires.

Characters: 3
Honestly?  I am in love with Sookie.  I think that every woman, in some capacity can, relate to her.  I mean, I find it pretty easy to remember what it was like being in my 20s and awkward with romance and whatnot, so I can’t help but find her incredibly endearing.  I also loved Adele so I was pissed that she was killed off so quickly.  Bill seems…odd.  Maybe it’s because I’ve never been in the south, or maybe it’s because he’s 200-or-whatever years old, but he just says really bizarre things.  And Jason was so annoying I WISH he had gotten framed for the murders.

Writing: 3
Eh, whatever.  I was turned off by the southern speech, but it obviously belonged there.  That’s just a personal preference.

Really, if you’re looking for a fun, light read, you might want to give Sookie a chance.  You’ll really adore it if you were awkward in your 20s (though I doubt your sex life evolved into anything remotely like this…I can’t get over out ridiculous it was).  I read this in a day – it’s the kind of book that’s perfect for taking on vacation, where you don’t have time to be invested and want to give your brain a break. Continue reading ‘Dead Until Dark (Southern Vampire Mysteries #1)’

12
Jul
10

Shakespeare Undead

by Lori Handeland

Plot Synopsis: A necromancer is raising people from the dead as zombies in London! Good thing that strapping young lad Will Shakespeare is a centuries-old vampire. Helping him is a young lad that goes out at night to kill them…or is it really a young woman who hates her husband and sneaks out at night dressed as a boy killing zombies, just like her nanny taught her to do? They fall in love and have lots of secks, but he can’t let her know he’s a vampire and necromancer, or she’ll think he’s raising the vampires!

 

 

 

 

 

Vampire Lore: 4
I can’t really knock this one. All the classics are in there, and they dispell the garlic and crucifix theories, which I never liked because they don’t make much sense.

Love/Sex/Romance: 2
Oh, there was plenty of it, don’t get me wrong. The attraction stuff was actually alright. It was the sex (and sex and sex) chapter that actually made me laugh out loud. Does anyone know if “pulse” is an actual 16th century term for orgasms? Other favorites include when she “palmed his length” and him going in and out of her like waves on the ocean, or something.

Fights: 4
There was blood! And zombies getting destroyed and turning into dust! And then Will rips off some other vampire’s head!

Entertainment Value: 2
It was interesting at first, and then I got bored, and then the hilarious sex scene, then I got bored, then there was a new vampire, and then Queen Elizabeth kicks his head across the Rose Theatre. So the entertainment value was kind of like the waves of the ocean.

Characters: 2
Sort of boring. And I’m tired of seeing Queen Elizabeth portrayed as such a badass rebel queen. Not that she wasn’t, but it’s getting old.

Writing: 3
The narration kept pretty true to the time period, but all the lines from Shakespeare plays (and elsewhere) got old a lot faster than I would have expected.

Overall, I’d say this is about a 2. It just didn’t hold my interest the way I hoped a book about vampire-Shakespeare fighting vampires would. Also it should be noted that the plot sounded so ridiculous, I assumed it was going to be a satire of the genre. Lori Handeland has actually authored many romance novels and is part of many supernatural romance collections, so not doing a search on Barnes & Noble before opening the book is attributed to my own ignorance. But, if you really enjoy supernatural romance fluff, you’ll probably like this one.